Uncle Gobb And The Green Heads

  For Emma, Elsie and Emile

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  CHAPTER 21

  CHAPTER 22

  CHAPTER 23

  A TEST

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  PROFILES

  DEFINITIONS

  INDEX

  CHAPTER 1

  The Roar …

  (Or Is It A ROARRRRRRRRRR?)

  ‘… 23, 24, 25 …’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Tell them to stop doing that,’ said Uncle Gobb very loudly.

  ‘… 26, 27, 28 …’

  ‘Oh for goodness’ sake, Derek,’ said Malcolm’s mum, Tess. ‘They can have a bit of a laugh counting their baked beans, can’t they?’

  ‘Beans are for eating, not counting,’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘I have one basic rule when it comes to eating: “Eat it, or leave it!”’

  Malcolm looked at Uncle Gobb. He thought: the thing I hate most in the world is Uncle Gobb being here. The thing I hate next-most is having hair in my mouth. I’ve figured out how to get rid of hair in my mouth. So far, I haven’t figured out how to get rid of Uncle Gobb. I’ve managed to bamboozle and confuzle him. But I haven’t managed to get rid of him.

  ‘… 32, 33, 34 – I win!’ shouted Crackersnacker.

  Crackersnacker is Malcolm’s greatest, bestest, most brilliantest and terrifickest friend. They love thinking about that time they escaped from Uncle Gobb’s DREAD SHED and bamboozled and confuzled him.

  Malcolm dipped the serving spoon in the beans bowl and served himself some more beans.

  Uncle Gobb leaned across the table and put his shiny face up close to Malcolm’s not-so-shiny face.

  ‘Are you going to eat those extra beans? Because if you’re not going to eat those beans, those beans will be wasted. They don’t waste beans in China!’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘They won’t be wasted, Mr Gobb. We’ll play “Flick-bean” with them.’ He mimed flicking a bean and did the sound effect to go with it: ‘Pffflerk!’

  ‘Pffflerk’ was Crackersnacker’s very own invented bean-flicking sound.

  Malcolm looked hard at Uncle Gobb again. He was bright red and panting in a shiny sort of a way. Malcolm thought that Uncle Gobb was so angry with him and Crackersnacker that he must be very near to exploding. At any second, he could blow up.

  I wonder which bit of Uncle Gobb would fly off first if he started to explode, Malcolm thought. His ears? His nose?

  ‘Tessa!’ shouted Uncle Gobb at Malcom’s mum. ‘Do something! Say something!’

  Mum said, ‘It’s Friday. I’ve said something.’

  Uncle Gobb put his head in his hands and slumped forwards. ‘I don’t mean, “say anything”. I mean say something about the boys’ outrageous behaviour. This is about discipline.’

  ‘No,’ said Malcolm. ‘It’s about beans.’

  ‘It could be about discipline AND beans,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘What? At the same time?’ Malcolm asked.

  Uncle Gobb stood up and roared.

  Malcolm looked at Uncle Gobb yet again. He thought; this isn’t good. This isn’t fun. Roaring is what Uncle Gobb does when I don’t do what Uncle Gobb thinks I should be doing. Well, if he doesn’t like it, why can’t he live somewhere else? Why can’t he puff himself up bigger and bigger and turn into one of those balloons that fly up to the sky and float out of sight?

  Malcolm knew exactly why Uncle Gobb lived with him and his mum. It was because Uncle Gobb used to live with his wife, Tammy, but one day it all exploded:

  And so he had to come and live with them. That’s what Mum had said. Or something like that.

  But now it’s hurting my head, Malcolm thought.

  Uncle Gobb went on roaring.

  ‘This is a long roar,’ said Crackersnacker.

  Crackersnacker often came over to Malcolm’s house. Mum thought that he looked peaky. Malcolm had figured out that Mum gave him food so that he might end up looking less peaky.

  So, because Crackersnacker came over quite often, he had seen one of Uncle Gobb’s roars before.

  THE LAST TIME CRACKERSNACKER SAW ONE OF UNCLE GOBB’S ROARS

  This is a ‘flashback’. There will be several flashbacks in this book. Health warning: just because it’s a flashback does NOT mean there will be any flashing lights. Nothing will flash. And nothing will flash back, either. End of health warning.

  BEGINNING OF FLASHBACK

  The last roar was three weeks earlier. Malcolm and Crackersnacker had not wanted to know the name of a spider.

  (If you don’t want to know about spiders, look away now.)

  Malcolm and Crackersnacker had found a spider under the sofa.

  Crackersnacker said that if you drop a spider it’s just like Spider-Man; the spider makes a long thread thing and it just hangs around on the end of it.

  Uncle Gobb said, ‘Do you know what kind of spider it is? If you don’t know, you should be doing spider homework. They know the names of spiders in China. Does a spider have eight legs, one leg or no legs? Malcolm, do you know the name of the spider?’

  ‘Peter Parker,’ Malcolm said.

  Crackersnacker said, ‘That’s brilliant, Ponkyboy. Lightning thinking!’

  And Uncle Gobb roared.

  END OF FLASHBACK

  Just checking, but there was no flashing there, was there? And no flashing back? I’m afraid that we couldn’t show you a picture of Spider-Man there but Spider-Man and his human self, Peter Parker, can be seen on TVs, tablets and at a cinema near you.

  That’s what’s called ‘HELPFUL ADVICE’. I am hoping that this book will be full of HELPFUL ADVICE and helpful explanations. This will be FREE. At no extra cost.

  Now, back to the longer roar. The one that came after the discipline-and-beans thing.

  Oh dear, it’s still going on.

  Malcolm was hoping very much that it would stop. Crackersnacker was hoping it would stop. Mum was hoping it would stop. The dog was hoping it would stop. I was hoping that it would stop. You’re hoping it would stop. If there were any weasels here, they would be hoping it would stop. I’m sure weasels don’t like roaring.

  Weasels: We don’t like roaring.

  Hang on a minute, weasels don’t talk.

  Weasels: We’re the kind of weasels who talk.

  That sounds like a KILLER ANSWER from the ‘DICTIONARY OF KILLER ANSWERS’.

  ‘It’s still going on,’ said Crackersnacker.

  There’s only one thing for it, Malcolm was thinking. If I can’t get rid of Uncle Gobb right now, all I can do is the Dreamy Thing.

  1.The Dreamy Thing goes like this: Something horrible happens. Like that raggedy bit you get down the side of your fingernail so that every time you put your hand in your pocket, it feels like someone is sticking a needle into the side of your finger.

  If getting a ‘raggedy bit’ ever happens to you, let me recommend that you put a plaster over it. That’s more HELPFUL ADVICE for you.

  2.Sorry about the interruption in the Dreamy Thing list. The list will now carry on.

  3.Malcolm is unhappy that something horrible happens.

  4.Malcolm gets the Dreamy Thing in his mind.

  5.In the dreaminess,
a man with an American accent appears. He says, ‘Hey Malky, buddy, don’t worry about it. Let’s go get something to eat.’

  6.The man puts his hand on Malcolm’s head. He ruffles up Malcolm’s hair.

  The roaring was still going on.

  Malcolm looked at Mum.

  Mum knows how to calm Uncle Gobb down, Malcolm thought. He’s her brother. She’s his sister. That’s why he came to stay with us. He didn’t have anywhere else to go.

  Mum looked back at Malcolm and then she looked over to Uncle Gobb and she said, ‘I’d love a bit of chocolate, Derek. Could you pop out and get me a minty one? And get yourself some while you’re about it.’

  (In case you’re wondering why Mum didn’t say, ‘And get the boys some too,’ it was because Uncle Gobb said that the boys couldn’t have chocolate and they especially couldn’t have their favourite, which was a Crumbles Bar. So Mum puts the Crumbles Bars in a secret store. If you’re wondering where the secret store is, I’m afraid I can’t tell you because … er … it’s a secret.)

  Uncle Gobb stopped roaring.

  He smoothed down his hair and left the room.

  He came back into the room. He pointed at Malcolm, looked at Mum, wagged his finger and said, ‘He’s going to have to go.’

  Mum said, ‘Don’t be silly, Derek, he can’t cross that busy road on his own.’

  ‘I don’t mean that kind of “go”. I mean the other kind of “go”,’ Uncle Gobb said and nodded seriously.

  ‘Mine’s minty, remember,’ Mum said, ignoring him and his different kinds of ‘go’.

  Uncle Gobb left the room again.

  Later, when Crackersnacker and I are in my room, I’m going to tell him about the Dreamy Thing, Malcolm thought. I’ve got a feeling that it’s going to help us get rid of Uncle Gobb … I don’t know how. Crackersnacker will know. But we better get on with it quick, before Uncle Gobb does something to get rid of me. I know what he meant by that ‘other kind of go’ thing …

  Without saying anything, Mum handed Malcolm the key to the secret store, which is beginning to need some capital letters:

  The Secret Store.

  Or better still:

  THE SECRET STORE.

  Hey, Weasels! Get out of there.

  I don’t care, get out of

  THE SECRET STORE.

  And here is a picture of Malcolm and Crackersnacker eating chocolate Crumbles Bars. They are doing it in such a secret way that you can’t see the chocolate Crumbles Bars. But believe me, there are chocolate Crumbles Bars in there.

  Here is some evidence that there are chocolate Crumbles Bars in there. It’s what’s called a ‘cross section’.

  If all this talk about chocolate is making you want to have chocolate, I must apologise. This book doesn’t come with free chocolate. It doesn’t even come with a golden ticket which will let you into a chocolate factory. That comes in another book, called Harry and the Chocolate Factory.

  If ever you read something in this book that you think is not true, stand up, make sure that you haven’t got a wedgie and sit down again. That usually sorts it out.

  CHAPTER 2

  The Dreamy Thing

  When Crackersnacker came over for a sleepover, he liked to sleep on a mattress on the floor while Malcolm slept in his bed.

  ‘Do you ever get the Dreamy Thing?’ Malcolm said from his bed.

  ‘Yes,’ said Crackersnacker from his mattress on the floor.

  There was a long, long, long pause.

  ‘Is your Dreamy Thing the same as my Dreamy Thing?’ Malcolm said.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Crackersnacker.

  There was a long, long, long pause.

  ‘It couldn’t be the same, very same, totally same, anyway,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘Oh,’ said Malcolm.

  There was a long, long, long pause. (From now on, you’ll have to imagine these long, long, long pauses. They’ll be there, even if it doesn’t say, ‘long, long, long pause’. You’ll just have to think them.)

  ‘You see,’ said Crackersnacker, sitting up on his elbow, ‘yesterday I had a burger at Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar and you didn’t. So you haven’t got what happened at Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar yesterday in your head. I’ve got it in my head. You haven’t.’

  ‘What DID happen at Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar yesterday?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Nothing much,’ Crackersnacker said.

  ‘What’s your Dreamy Stuff like?’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Barbecue Bob’s burgers,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘My Dreamy Stuff is about this man,’ said Malcolm. ‘He says, “Hey Malky, buddy, don’t worry about it. Let’s go get something to eat.”’

  ‘You said that in American,’ Crackersnacker said.

  ‘That’s because he’s American,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Is he?’ Crackersnacker said.

  ‘No,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘What it is, yeah …’ Malcolm said. ‘What it is, is … he’s my dad.’

  ‘Right,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘You know when Uncle Gobb does all that asking questions and telling us what to do stuff, and when he does all that roaring … ?’ Malcolm said.

  Crackersnacker was still thinking about the fact that Malcolm had a dad.

  ‘Where is your dad?’ he said.

  ‘In America,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Great,’ Crackersnacker said.

  ‘Do you think that if we went to America, we could get rid of Uncle Gobb forever?’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Yep,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘I don’t just mean bamboozle and confuzle him,’ Malcolm said. ‘I mean really get rid of him, like we said we would.’

  ‘Yep,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘We can do that.’

  Malcolm suddenly felt good. ‘Go on,’ he said.

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘Like how will we get rid of him?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘We take him to America and then leave him there,’ said Crackersnacker.

  Malcolm collapsed back down on to the bed. They couldn’t just leave him there. What? Go to America and say to Uncle Gobb, ‘We’re going back now. You’re not.’?

  Or could they?

  Maybe, they could go somewhere like the Grand Canyon and say, ‘Look Uncle Gobb, there’s the Grand Canyon,’ and then run away.

  ‘I was thinking,’ said Malcolm, ‘that my dad would do it. He could get rid of Uncle Gobb.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘Your dad would have loads of candyfloss and he would cover Uncle Gobb in candyfloss. And that would, that would … er …’

  ‘They don’t call it candyfloss,’ said Malcolm. ‘They call it “cotton candy”.’

  ‘Do they?’ said Crackersnacker. ‘How do you know?’

  ‘Because when I was last there, I had cotton candy. My dad bought me some cotton candy.’

  ‘And it was the same, totally the same as candyfloss?’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ‘it can’t be the same, very same, totally the same, because the cotton candy didn’t go into Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar.’

  ‘How are we going to get to America?’ Crackersnacker said.

  ‘By plane,’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Great,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘Vroooomm.’

  ‘I think you two need to get some sleep now, don’t you?’ Mum called out from outside.

  ‘Don’t ask them,’ the boys heard Uncle Gobb say. ‘Just tell them.’

  ‘I did,’ said Mum.

  ‘If you think that’s telling,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘Barnacle Bill’s a sailor.’

  ‘Barnacle Bill IS a sailor,’ said Mum.

  Malcolm and Crackersnacker heard the way Mum just sorted out Uncle Gobb with that Barnacle Bill fact. They waved to each other in the dark, doing long-distance, not-touching high fives.

  CHAPTER 3

  Going To America

  The next day at school, Mr Keenly was saying, ‘Now then, we’re
thinking of situations when you might be getting giggly.’

  Mr Keenly was using the white board. It had the words GETTING GIGGLY on it.

  Malcolm had read the words GETTING GIGGLY but now he was trying to read some other words which were at the bottom of the white board. He leaned forward and screwed up his eyes. He didn’t do that with a screwdriver as that would hurt. And anyway, he didn’t have a screwdriver with him.

  He could just make out what the words said. They said, ‘Gobb Education’. Oh no, not again, he thought. It felt like Uncle Gobb had followed him to school. It was like everywhere he went he was in Gobb country. And he couldn’t escape.

  The class were in their ‘Talk Groups’ and they were talking about ‘GETTING GIGGLY’. Malcolm’s Talk Group was Ulla, Spaghetti and Crackersnacker.

  Malcolm: What’s a ‘situation’?

  Spaghetti: It’s a kind of house.

  Ulla: We live in a flat.

  Malcolm: We have to be talking about GETTING GIGGLY in a situation.

  Janet, the teaching assistant, came and joined Malcolm’s group.

  Malcolm started to feel very GIGGLY.

  ‘Right!’ Mr Keenly called out. ‘All eyes to the front.’

  Oh no, Malcolm thought. Our Talk Group hasn’t even begun to talk about GETTING GIGGLY.

  ‘What have we got?’ said Mr Keenly.

  ‘I’ve got 50p,’ said Ulla.

  Janet put her hand on top of Ulla’s hand and said, ‘That’s nice,’ to her, and then pointed at Mr Keenly.