Uncle Gobb and the Dread Shed Read online

  For Emma, Elsie and Emile

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 2 AND A ½

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13 PART 1

  CHAPTER 13 PART 2

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  CHAPTER 21

  CHAPTER 22

  CHAPTER 23

  CHAPTER 24

  CHAPTER 25

  CHAPTER 26

  CHAPTER 27

  CHAPTER 28

  CHAPTER 29

  CHAPTER 30

  CHAPTER 31

  CHAPTER 32

  CHAPTER 33

  CHAPTER 34

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  PROFILES

  DEFINITIONS

  INDEX

  CHAPTER 1

  Amazing Things Going On With His Face

  It all began when Malcolm looked through the keyhole. Of course he shouldn’t have looked. Well, there shouldn’t really have been a keyhole.

  I mean, why was there a keyhole on the bathroom door anyway? What did the keyhole think it was doing sitting there stuck on a bathroom door?

  That’s a very good point.

  So really it was the keyhole’s fault.

  This is what happened:

  Uncle Gobb came to stay. No one liked Uncle Gobb.

  More on him in a minute.

  Uncle Gobb went to the bathroom.

  Not the American kind of bathroom which is also a restroom. This can be confusing. Are you supposed to rest in the bath? But they don’t mean the bath anyway. When they say ‘bathroom’, they mean the room where you go to pee and poo. Unless they mean you’re supposed to pee and poo in the bath. Which they don’t.

  So there was no need to bring that up.

  Sorry.

  Let’s get on.

  Uncle Gobb went to the bathroom. That’s the kind of bathroom which has a bath in it. And a sink. He was standing at the sink, looking in the mirror. People often do that. They look in the mirror and talk to themselves. They say things like,

  ‘Hiya, handsome, you’re looking good today.’

  Or,

  ‘What’s cooking?’

  Or,

  ‘I’ve got a little green bit on my chin … I wonder if I’m going mouldy…’

  Uncle Gobb wasn’t saying any of these things.

  He was polishing his face.

  Now, everyone knew that Uncle Gobb had a shiny face. And just to be clear, it’s perfectly OK for people to have shiny faces. And it’s perfectly OK for people to shine their shiny faces. The thing is, Malcolm had never ever seen anyone shine their face before.

  This is what happened:

  Malcolm was crouching down looking through the keyhole. He saw Uncle Gobb take a piece of cloth in his right hand; in his left hand he took some stuff to make windows shiny. He squirted the shiny stuff into the cloth, took the cloth up to his face and started shining. Round and round and round, over his cheeks, his chin, his forehead till it was all very, very shiny.

  When he had finished, Uncle Gobb looked in the mirror and said, ‘Hey, Gobby, you’re looking good today.’

  Malcolm stared. Well, it was one-eye staring because the keyhole wasn’t big enough for him to do a full two-eye stare.

  In fact, he was wondering whether one-eye staring could be a new kind of competition at the Olympics when the door opened and there was Uncle Gobb. He looked down at Malcolm, who was now trying very hard to stop one-eye staring, and said, ‘That doesn’t look like homework to me.’

  Ah, you might be wondering why Uncle Gobb would say such a thing. Of course someone kneeling on the floor outside a bathroom doing one-eye staring through a keyhole doesn’t look like homework. What an obvious and silly thing to say. But why did Uncle Gobb say such an obvious and silly thing?

  To find out the answer to this and to why tomatoes are red, we will need to press on to the next chapter, which is chapter 2.

  CHAPTER 2

  Why Uncle Gobb Said, ‘That Doesn’t Look Like Homework To Me.’

  You’ll see that this chapter is not called:

  ‘Why Uncle Gobb Said, “That Doesn’t Look Like Homework to Me” AND Why Tomatoes Are Red.’

  I’m sorry, we may never find out in this book why tomatoes are red. There are other kinds of book which explain things like that. They’re called ‘non-fiction books’ and they’re very good too. My favourite is one called Don’t Eat Your Best Friend.

  CHAPTER 2 AND A ½

  Some Explanation And A BLAMMM!!!

  Wherever Malcolm went in life, he thought that people would ask him why he lived with Uncle Gobb. This was the explanation he had ready:

  ‘Many years ago, Uncle Gobb was married to someone called Tammy. Things didn’t work out between Uncle Gobb and Tammy, because when they got together, it made a terrible mixture which exploded.

  ‘They picked themselves up and said, “We’ve made a bit of a mess – best not do that again, huh?”

  ‘Uncle Gobb and Tammy didn’t stay married after that.

  ‘Now Uncle Gobb has nowhere to live (the

  blew their house up) so he came to live with me and my mum.’

  I can tell you that this is as near to the truth as it is possible to be.

  CHAPTER 3

  The Real Chapter, On Why Uncle Gobb Said, ‘That Doesn’t Look Like Homework To Me.’

  Uncle Gobb was very keen on homework. He liked talking to people about homework. His sister was called Tess and Tess was Malcolm’s mum.

  This is what happened next:

  ‘Tess,’ Uncle Gobb said, ‘the boy needs to do more homework.’

  ‘Tess,’ he said, ‘the dog needs to do more homework.’

  ‘Tess,’ he said, ‘the table needs to do more homework.’

  Yes, as far as Uncle Gobb was concerned, everyone and everything needed to do more homework.

  ‘Tess,’ he said, ‘if they don’t do more homework, we’ll fall behind and we’ll all be ruined.’

  When he said that, the dog got up, walked slowly over to Uncle Gobb and bit his leg.

  I can tell you that that was the last time Uncle Gobb ever said that the dog needed to do more homework.

  I can also tell you that the table didn’t get up and bite Uncle Gobb’s leg. It had legs of its own to worry about. Four of them actually.

  (That was a non-fiction FACT for you to make up for the fact that I haven’t told you why tomatoes are red. I figured that you were rather sad and angry that I didn’t tell you about the tomatoes and now you’re feeling a bit happier that I’ve told you the thing about tables. I hope so.)

  When Uncle Gobb said, ‘The boy needs to do more homework’, the ‘boy’ he was talking about was of course Malcolm. So Malcolm said to Uncle Gobb, ‘Well you don’t do any homework, Uncle Gobb, so why should I have to?’

  At that, Uncle Gobb pulled himself up to his full height and said, ‘Aha, my boy, but how do you think I got so far in life if it wasn’t for the fact that I did my homework?’

  This is what is known as the

  This is not an answer that kills. That would be terrible. Imagine being asked a question like, ‘What’s the time?’ And you say, ‘Half past three.’ And the moment you said it, the person who asked you the time dropped down dead.

  That would be awful. And shouldn’t be ev
en thought about. So stop thinking about it.

  Thank you.

  No, the Killer Answer is the answer that leaves the person who asked the question with nothing else to say. Not even an

  or an

  or a

  (You’ll notice there that I didn’t write the rude word. I just wrote ‘rude word’ which you’re allowed to do in books like this when you can’t write the rude word itself.)

  So Uncle Gobb delivered the Killer Answer. ‘How do you think I got so far in life if it wasn’t for the fact that I did my homework?’

  Malcolm couldn’t think of anything to say. Nothing at all. Well, for about three seconds, he couldn’t.

  CHAPTER 4

  Three Seconds Later

  ‘Uncle Gobb,’ said Malcolm, ‘just how far have you got in life?’

  For some reason this made Uncle Gobb very, very angry.

  He stared at Malcolm and said,

  ‘LISTEN HERE, YOU

  DISRESPECTFUL

  LITTLE WEASEL.

  I AM AN IMPORTANT PERSON.

  I HAVE BEEN AN IMPORTANT

  PERSON FOR MANY YEARS.

  YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT BUT

  OUT THERE AND OVER

  THERE AND ROUND THERE

  AND IN AND OUT THE ARCHES,

  I AM LOOKED UP TO. PEOPLE

  PASS ME IN THE STREET AND

  SAY, “THERE GOES UNCLE

  GOBB.” WHEN I SAY, “TEA!”

  PEOPLE BRING ME TEA.

  WHEN I SAY, “COAT!” PEOPLE

  BRING ME MY COAT. SO LISTEN

  HERE, YOU DISRESPECTFUL

  LITTLE WEASEL, WHEN I

  SAY, “YOU NEED TO DO

  MORE HOMEWORK”,

  YOU SHOULD DO MORE

  HOMEWORK. AND IF YOU DON’T DO MORE

  HOMEWORK, YOU’LL

  BE PUT IN THE

  DREAD SHED.’

  ‘THE DREAD SHED?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘YES – THE DREAD SHED!’ said Uncle Gobb.

  Tess looked up.

  ‘Oh come off it, Derek, you do go on, don’t you? Why don’t you nip out to the shops and get some milk. We’re running low.’

  Malcolm looked at Mum. Malcolm looked at Uncle Gobb.

  They really were very different. Not just because Mum was a woman and Uncle Gobb was a man. (A bit more non-fiction for you there.) They were different in just about everything. Including that polishing-face thing.

  Mum didn’t polish her face. She did put some other stuff on her face but she didn’t shine it up with a cloth.

  Malcolm liked that.

  And they were different in the way they talked. The words they used.

  Malcolm thought about that and started to wonder about the word ‘disrespectful’. What did it mean? And are weasels disrespectful?

  CHAPTER 5

  Weasels

  Weasels shouldn’t be confused with measles, easels or teasels.

  Measles is the name of a very unpleasant illness.

  Easels are things that artists use to put things on which they then cover with paint.

  Teasels are a kind of thistle.

  Weasels aren’t measles.

  Weasels aren’t easels.

  Weasels aren’t teasels.

  Weasels are weaselly little animals who run about being weaselly.

  On television, on the radio, and in newspapers you might hear someone say the expression ‘weasel words’. ‘Weasel words’ are when you say things to help you wriggle out of admitting you did something wrong. Like, ‘I didn’t punch him – he ran very fast towards my fist.’

  This is one of the strangest things you’ll ever hear anyone say in the whole of your life for the simple reason that weasels don’t talk. They don’t use words. That’s not what weasels do.

  If ever you’re with anyone and they say, ‘Weasel words’, you could point that out to them. Don’t do it in a sneery, smarty-pants sort of a way. Just say it gently and nicely as you would if you were talking to a weasel. ‘Excuse me,’ you say, ‘but weasels don’t use words.’

  Anyway, now you know all about weasels.

  CHAPTER 6

  The Milk

  ‘Before you go to get the milk, Uncle Gobb,’ Malcolm said, ‘are weasels disrespectful?’

  Uncle Gobb went off to get the milk.

  CHAPTER 7

  The Milk. Again.

  Uncle Gobb was gone for some time.

  When he walked back in, he said, ‘Tess, I want you to make clear to the boy that I am an important person. I am someone who is in charge.’

  Mum looked up.

  ‘Yes, yes, Derek, but you’ve forgotten to get the milk.’

  CHAPTER 8

  And What Is The Dread Shed?

  Just in case you’re wondering why I’ve asked that question, that’s because after Uncle Gobb said that Malcolm was a disrespectful little weasel, you’ll remember that he said that he would put Malcolm in the DREAD SHED.

  So, now we’re asking: What is the …

  A long time ago, when the world was nothing more than a primeval soup of hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and tomato ketchup, there was a builder called Dave...

  Oh hang on, it must have been after the primeval-soup-bit of history. I’ll do that again.

  A long time ago when street lamps were lit by gas and chimneys poured out smoke from the chimney stacks, a woman by the name of Elizabeth Fear went to the Prime Minister and said, ‘Prime Minister, there are some bad children out there.’

  ‘I know,’ said the Prime Minister, ‘I was bad once. I climbed into my father’s Rolls Royce Super Silver Bullet Cloud and drove round his parklands terrifying the deer. I was only twelve.’

  ‘No, no, no,’ said Elizabeth Fear, ‘not rich and bad. I mean poor and bad. They’re the ones we have to deal with.’

  ‘Oh, very well,’ said the Prime Minister, very relieved that this fierce Elizabeth Fear wasn’t going to punish him for that driving-round-the-parklands crime.

  ‘I suggest,’ said Elizabeth, ‘that in every area of the country, we build special cabins, and whenever there are poor bad children we shove them in there. And they shall be called “DREAD SHEDS”,’ she cried out.

  ‘DREAD SHEDS, I like the sound of that,’ said the Prime Minister. ‘There’s a whole rhyming chiming bizz going on there. “DREAD SHED”, she said. She said, “DREAD SHED”. “The Shed’s Dread”, she said.’

  ‘Can I take that as a “Yes”?’ said Elizabeth Fear.

  ‘Take that as a “Yes”,’ said the Prime Minister.

  And that is the story of how DREAD SHEDS came about.

  But – and here’s an interesting thing: DREAD SHEDS were abolished, banned, stopped, ceased, terminated, finished.

  There were no more DREAD SHEDS left.

  What happened was this:

  (Shall we have a new chapter for this? Yes, let’s.)

  CHAPTER 9

  No More Dread Sheds

  A long time ago when the Beatles sang nicely and everyone was happy, the Prime Minister (a different Prime Minister) said, ‘I don’t think locking up poor children in sheds is a very nice thing to do. No more DREAD SHEDS.’

  And there weren’t.

  Uncle Gobb’s father, who was called Father Gobb, was furious.

  ‘That’s where all the trouble started!’ he shouted at little Uncle Gobb, who wasn’t Uncle Gobb at the time, he was little Derek Gobb and his sister was (as we know) Tess Gobb.

  ‘When some stupid fat-head abolished DREAD SHEDS, that was the end of everything. Children stopped respecting their mothers and fathers, teenage boys became teenagers, and people started doing bad things.’

  Tess said, ‘Father Gobb, teenage boys would be teenagers because … er ... they were teenagers.’

  At this, Father Gobb became even more furious. ‘I say the River Tiber will run with blood,’ he shouted at Tess, the thunder flying out of his nostrils. What he actually meant was that a whole lot of awful stuff will happen. Even dying. This was a stran
ge thing for him to say because the River Tiber is in Ponky.

  Sorry, I mean, the River Tiber is in Rome.

  (The reason why I made that mistake – calling Rome ‘Ponky’ – will be explained later. Please don’t expect everything to be in the right order in this book.)

  So little Derek Gobb, who always wanted to please Father Gobb, made a special vow, a special promise.

  For his father’s sake, he would save a DREAD SHED. If that silly Prime Minister thought he could get rid of all the DREAD SHEDS, he was wrong. He, little Derek Gobb, would save one.

  So, that night when all was dark, and cats prowled the streets looking for open bedroom windows so that they could hang about outside making a howling noise, little Derek Gobb scurried through the shadows lit by the whites of his own eyes. He was heading for the nearest DREAD SHED.

  In his pocket were 127 very small wheels called ‘castors’ which he had stolen off the bottoms of armchairs and sofas at the nearest Department Store, called ‘Ramsays, your local Department Store’.

  He approached the DREAD SHED, which sat menacingly in a dell next to the gasworks.

  Fearlessly, he stuck all 127 castors under the edges and corners of the DREAD SHED and then silently, slowly, carefully and secretly, using the old rope (for which he had paid money, as in ‘money for old rope’), he pulled the DREAD SHED through the cat-prowly-howly streets all the way home. Then cunningly, cleverly, wisely and coolly he nudged the DREAD SHED into the back yard of their family home.