Uncle Gobb and the Plot Plot Read online

  ‘But,’ he went on, ‘Janet and I and Mrs Office have been asking questions and sending letters, and if we are very, very lucky, that pond and the land around it – we call it a “PLOT OF LAND” – could end up being something that belongs to the school and that we could all use. I want you to spend the next twenty-nine seconds thinking of anything at all that we could use the pond and the PLOT OF LAND for …’

  Everyone started thinking.

  Lizard thought she could find lizards there.

  Ulla thought they could stand in the pond.

  Spaghetti thought they could find a dragon in the pond.

  Freddy thought they could make mud. Singalong thought they could make paper darts, climb the trees and throw the darts to see how far they would go,

  Crackersnacker thought they could cover the pond in AstroTurf.

  Malcolm thought they could dig a tunnel under it and put Uncle Gobb in the tunnel.

  ‘Twenty-nine seconds up!’ said Mr Keenly, and he listened to what people had thought.

  ‘Lizards,’ said Lizard.

  Everyone turned round and looked at Lizard.

  ‘Well, yes,’ said Mr Keenly. ‘Er … we might not call them that here, Lizard, but yes, there may be lizards.’

  ‘Yup,’ said Lizard, ‘an’ frogs an’ toads an’ bugs.’

  ‘And dragons,’ said Spaghetti.

  ‘Well, yes and no,’ said Mr Keenly, ‘but let’s not run ahead of ourselves. For the moment, we don’t know for absolute certain it’s going to be ours. There’s still one or two things that have to be APPROVED.’ (Wiggly underliney thing in the air, big eyes, mouth pushed forward.)

  Malcolm put up his hand.

  ‘Yes, Malcolm?’

  ‘My uncle says there’s going to be a school in the car park.’

  Some of the children started to giggle. Malcolm was quite well known in the class for saying things that sounded a bit strange.

  A shadow crossed Mr Keenly’s face. It seemed he didn’t want to hear about the car park or Uncle Gobb’s school. He put his lips together and looked like he didn’t know what to say. Then the shadow passed, and Mr Keenly clapped his hands, and said, ‘Literacy!’

  Today, they had to write five sentences, each one beginning with words like ‘first’ or ‘next’ or ‘later’ or ‘before’ or ‘much later’ or ‘afterwards’ or ‘eventually’.

  Malcolm wondered if something could be ‘much next’. Or ‘eventually first’. Or ‘afterwards later’. Or ‘before before’. Looking out of the window, he could just see the pond and the little PLOT OF LAND ... and wasn’t there the kind of grass in there that you could use to make arrows? Eventually. Or afterwards. Or first next … ??? The tunnel to put Uncle Gobb in could have a glass panel over the top so you could look down and see what he was doing … Next. Later. Before afterwards.

  *

  At playtime, Malcolm and Crackersnacker were just about to get in a little huddle, ready for Malcolm to tell him about everything that had happened, when Lizard came to join them.

  ‘Hi,’ she said.

  ‘Hi,’ they said.

  Malcolm didn’t know what to say.

  He felt awkward. Not awkward enough to try and get rid of an imaginary wedgie, but still awkward.

  But Crackersnacker said, ‘Malc’s just about to say what’s been happening.’

  ‘Great,’ said Lizard.

  As no one moved, or said anything else, and no imaginary wedgies turned up, Crackersnacker said, ‘Go on then, Malc.’

  So Malcolm talked and talked and talked about everything that had happened. As he listened, Crackersnacker slapped his side, laughed, frowned, nodded and shook his head and said, ‘Wow, Ponkyboy!’

  There was so much new stuff to take in in one go.

  And the DREAD SHED SCHOOL in the car park sounded bad, Crackersnacker thought.

  ‘That’s really bad, Ponkyboy,’ he said. ‘It would be like an invasion of facts. What I mean is, these kids and teachers and Uncle Gobb would come out of the DREAD SHED SCHOOL in the car park, piling into our toilets every day, going, “HERE IS A FACT, HERE IS A FACT, HERE IS A FACT.”’ When Crackersnacker said, ‘HERE IS A FACT,’ he put on a robot voice. Still in a robot voice, he said, ‘GIVE ME YOUR CHAIR, GIVE ME YOUR CHAIR. I MUST HAVE YOUR CHAIR. AND YOUR TABLE.’

  Lizard asked questions.

  ‘This Fred Shed guy,’ she said. ‘Where do you think you’ve seen him before?’

  No, Malcolm couldn’t remember. It just made him a bit uncomfortable thinking about it.

  And Uncle Gobb trying to steal his chair. That made him uncomfortable too. Or worse. Just a tiny bit scared.

  Maybe Uncle Gobb would try again. What did they think? Yes, he could. Crackersnacker thought so. Lizard thought so too.

  Was it worth planning how to get rid of Uncle Gobb again?

  (Malcolm explained to Lizard how he had tried to get rid of Uncle Gobb twice before. Once was when he had met Lizard in America and he had hoped that there would be a swap between Dad and Uncle Gobb.)

  ‘Yeah, but Fender has to look after me,’ said Lizard.

  ‘Does he?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Lizard.

  That was nearly an Imaginary Wedgie Moment. As neither Crackersnacker nor Malcolm dared ask Lizard if Fender was her dad or not, there wasn’t much more to say about that for the time being. But they did look at each other with a special Malcolm-Crackersnacker ‘this-could-be-important’ look.

  *

  After school, on the way home through the park, they talked about the DREAD SHED SCHOOL and wondered who all these people were who were setting it up with Uncle Gobb. Malcolm remembered how Uncle Gobb had started to reel off his list and then stopped very suddenly in the middle of a word that began with a ‘gee’ sound.

  ‘What was the word?’ said Lizard.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Malcolm.

  So there wasn’t much more to say about that for the time being either.

  Then they talked about the pond and the PLOT OF LAND, and Lizard got excited about catching stuff in the pond, but then she remembered that if she did catch stuff, she wouldn’t have anywhere to put it.

  ‘Are you and Dad staying in England for a long time?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘For as long as it takes,’ Lizard said, in a voice that sounded very like Dad’s, Malcolm thought.

  He went back to thinking about Uncle Gobb nicking stuff from home, the DREAD SHED SCHOOL full of facts and rich knowledge, sitting in the middle of the car park, and Uncle Gobb marching about in and out of their school, taking children across to the toilets and … and … maybe playing in the pond on the PLOT OF LAND that Mr Keenly and Janet had discovered. Everything about the PLOT OF LAND that had sounded so good when Mr Keenly talked about it started to feel horrible. Uncle Gobb was going to be right in the middle of the pond place too, ruining everything.

  ‘If,’ he said, ‘we could think of a way of getting rid of Uncle Gobb, that would stop him stealing things from home and, do you see, it would also close down the DREAD SHED SCHOOL. We have to stop it, don’t we?’

  ‘Or,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘we could concentrate on stopping the DREAD SHED SCHOOL happening, and Uncle Gobb would get so angry and fed up that he would … he would explode …’

  ‘Or melt,’ said Lizard.

  ‘Or just keep quiet and leave me alone,’ said Malcolm in a little voice.

  Lizard said that she could help. Crackersnacker of course said he could help. Of course. Crackersnacker was the bestest most brilliantest friend anyone could have.

  ‘That’s good,’ said Malcolm, rubbing his nose thoughtfully.

  Smoke poured out of Malcolm’s nose.

  There was a flash, and a genie came through the smoke, out of his nose.

  CHAPTER 10

  Sha-Boom Flash, Sha-Boom Flash - GOOGLE!

  ‘How did you like that?’ said the Genie of Malcolm’s Nose.

  ‘What?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘That
BOOM, that FLASH,’ he said.

  Crackersnacker snapped his fingers while he imitated the Genie of Malcolm’s Nose saying, ‘That BOOM, that flash; that BOOM, that FLASH; that BOOM, that FLASH.’

  ‘No,’ said the Genie, ‘that’s what I do and say, not what you do and say.’

  ‘Who is this guy?’ said Lizard.

  ‘I, madam,’ said the Genie, bowing low, ‘am the Genie of Malcolm’s Nose. I have come hither to be of assistance to Malcolm in his hour of need.’

  Crackersnacker giggled. ‘He’s doing the old-book voice again, Malc.’

  Malcolm was a little bit worried that he hadn’t meant to summon up his Genie. He had just been rubbing his nose thoughtfully.

  ‘Your wish is my command,’ said the Genie.

  ‘Do we get a wish too?’ said Lizard.

  ‘No,’ said the Genie. ‘It’s nothing personal. It’s just that we genies stick with one person at a time. Malcolm is my person. Malcolm, again, I say to you, your wish is my command.’

  Malcolm didn’t know what to say. What wish did he have? He looked at Crackersnacker and Lizard for help.

  Crackersnacker was still in the groove: ‘That BOOM, that FLASH; that BOOM, that FLASH …’

  Lizard said, ‘You could ask him to turn Uncle Gobb into a lizard.’

  ‘No,’ Crackersnacker said, ‘we can’t get him to do really big stuff to Uncle Gobb because Uncle Gobb has got his own genie, Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop. And he’s bigger and stronger than Malcolm’s Genie …’

  ‘Yeah but remember, Crackersnacker,’ said Malcolm, ‘Doctor Roop the Doop went off in a huff while we were in America.’

  ‘But was that a short huff, a long huff or a forever huff ?’ Crackersnacker asked. ‘Big risk to take if it was a short huff and Doctor Roop comes back.’

  ‘What about the DREAD SHED SCHOOL?’ said Lizard. ‘Can’t you get him to stop that?’

  ‘Sounds like big stuff to me,’ said Malcolm. ‘If I give him big stuff to do, he just says that he hasn’t got enough Genie Juice or something. I tell you what, though: he’s quite good on finding out things.’

  ‘What?’ said Lizard. ‘Like Google?’

  Crackersnacker liked that.

  ‘Hah, “Like Google.” SHA-BOOM FLASH, SHA-BOOM FLASH, GOOGLE; SHA-BOOM FLASH, SHA-BOOM FLASH, GOOGLE.’

  When he said ‘Google’, Lizard said it with him.

  ‘SHA-BOOM FLASH, SHA-BOOM FLASH, GOOGLE!’

  ‘I’ve got about five seconds left,’ said the Genie, ‘before you miss this wish. If you miss a wish, I can’t promise to turn up next time you rub your nose.’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘I don’t make up the rules,’ said the Genie. ‘The rules are in ‘The Great Book of Genie Rules’.’

  ‘The genie rules!’ said Crackersnacker. ‘SHA-BOOM FLASH – the genie rules, yay.’

  Malcolm started to go fizzy. This is what happened when things seemed to be whirring out of control all around him. It was all going wrong. Fizzy, fizzy, fizzy.

  Lizard shouted out, ‘Ask him what Uncle Gobb was going to say when he stopped in the middle of the word!’

  The fizziness cleared and Malcolm shouted, ‘What was Uncle Gobb going to say when he stopped in the middle of the word?’

  The Genie stopped looking at himself in the mirror, looked up to the clouds, turned round twice and said, ‘Genie.’

  Malcolm, Crackersnacker and Lizard looked at each other.

  They shrugged. Was that the answer to the question or was he just talking about himself again?

  Lizard was on to it. ‘Malc, listen, listen, man! Didn’t you say that he was running through a list of people who were going to help him with the DREAD SHED SCHOOL when he stopped in the middle of the word? Did the word sound like the beginning of the word “genie”?’

  Malcolm thought about it.

  ‘Yes! He said, “gee”.’

  ‘Oh sheesh, Ponkyboy,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘that means Doctor Roop the Doop is back and he’s working on the DREAD SHED SCHOOL.’

  Then as clearly as a clear bit of clear glass, Malcolm saw it. Fred Shed! Fred Shed was like a young, strong, thick-necked, glove-wearing Doctor Roop the Doop! Fred Shed was Doctor Roop the Doop, Uncle Gobb’s genie!

  That’s why he had looked so familiar. And yet not familiar. He had disguised himself.

  ‘Fred Shed is Doctor Roop,’ Malcolm said to the other two. ‘And this means

  BIG TROUBLE!’

  ‘I think my work here is over for today,’ said the Genie. ‘I appear once again to have been of great assistance. A little gratitude would go a long way, Malcolm,’ he added.

  Malcolm looked at him. What did he mean?

  Lizard whispered, ‘Thank him. He means, say “Thanks”.’

  ‘But he didn’t say, “Say thanks”,’ Malcolm said anxiously.

  Crackersnacker knew how to handle these Malcolm moments.

  ‘Don’t worry about it, Malc,’ he said. ‘Let’s both say, “Thanks, man”. I’ll count us in, three, two –’

  ‘Can I say, “Thanks, man” as well?’ Lizard said.

  ‘Sure,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘Here goes then. Three, two, one ...’

  And all three of them said, ‘Thanks, man.’

  The Genie of Malcolm’s Nose looked very pleased, smiled, checked his teeth in the hand mirror, muttered to himself, ‘Yer lookin’ good, Apollo,’ and disappeared in a flash.

  ‘We aren’t any nearer to getting rid of the DREAD SHED SCHOOL, are we?’ said Malcolm, feeling sad and desperate.

  ‘Nope,’ Lizard said.

  ‘Nope,’ said Crackersnacker.

  Malcolm could see Uncle Gobb and this Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, Fred Shed genie doing whatever they wanted to do. Things felt bad.

  The problem was, things were about to get a whole lot worse.

  CHAPTER 11

  A Whole Lot Worse

  (Well, I did warn you.)

  Mum said that as it was the last night that Dad and Lizard were sleeping in the DREAD SHED, before going off to the flat they had found round the corner, they could all have something to eat together. Crackersnacker came over too. And Dad’s sister, Brenda the Mender, and her daughter, Wenda. And the dog was there.

  Weasel 2: So were we.

  Weasel 1: We weren’t.

  Weasel 2: Look, we’re here.

  Weasel 1: I keep explaining. We’re in the book. Not there. Not actually there.

  Weasel 2: I don’t get it.

  At first, it sounded like it was getting better.

  Brenda explained that things had got ‘a bit tricky’ at Wenda’s school, and though it was a ‘bit of a trek’, Wenda would now be coming to Malcolm and Crackersnacker and Lizard’s school.

  Malcolm looked round the room to see if anyone was going to ask what ‘a bit tricky’ at Wenda’s school meant. No one did ask.

  Uncle Gobb said, ‘Things always get tricky for a reason, Brenda. There is always a reason.’

  Wenda, who loved raisins, always carried raisins around with her and often shared her raisins with other people, then did her favourite raisin joke.

  ‘Yes, Uncle Gobb,’ she said, ‘there’s always a raisin.’

  This really, really, really annoyed Uncle Gobb, who spelled out the two words, but he got them the wrong way round by mistake. ‘Reason: r, a, i, s, i, n. Raisin: r, e, a, s, o, n. I hope that’s clear, young lady.’

  Wenda giggled. That made Crackersnacker giggle. That made Malcolm giggle. That made Lizard giggle. Which made Uncle Gobb really, really, really angry.

  ‘You see, Tessa,’ he said, ‘I try to put these foolish children right. Spelling is important. Spelling is a fact. It’s an important fact. It’s rich knowledge. But they don’t see that. Just you wait and see. At my DREAD SHED SCHOOL, we will all know our spellings.’

  ‘The only trouble is, Derek,’ said Mum, ‘you got it wrong.’

  ‘Did I?’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘Oh no!’


  He slumped forward in a state of deep despair that he had got his spellings wrong. He slumped forward straight into his plate of spaghetti. After a few seconds with his face deep in the spaghetti, he sat up again with one single strand of spaghetti stuck to his nose.

  Mum leaned forward and carefully removed the bit of spaghetti.

  Then Malcolm said the thing that made everything get a whole lot worse.

  ‘In school today,’ he said, ‘Mr Keenly said that next to our school, there’s this little “PLOT OF LAND”’ – Malcolm did the wiggly underliney thing here – ‘and no one knows who it belongs to – perhaps to no one – and we might be able to get in there and find lizards and dragons and make tunnels and stuff.’

  Crackersnacker kicked Malcolm under the table and nodded towards Uncle Gobb.

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ Malcolm said, thinking that Crackersnacker was talking about the nose-spaghetti.

  So, Malcolm went on talking about the PLOT OF LAND. ‘… and isn’t it amazing that it seems like it doesn’t belong to anyone. It’s just sitting there … We could climb trees and have paper dart competitions and explore and stuff …’

  Dad liked the sound of that too.

  ‘Hey, that’s great, Malky,’ he said. ‘You could fix a tree trolley up there. You remember the one we had in Connecticut?’