Uncle Gobb And The Green Heads Read online

  For the first time in ages, Malcolm felt calm and good. They were going to go to America. He’d get to see Dad AND get rid of Uncle Gobb. This was better than brown sauce – which Malcolm loved.

  The one bit worrying him was whether Doctor Roop the Doop would get to Uncle Gobb to tell Uncle Gobb that he had to do something horrible to break up him and Crackersnacker …

  CHAPTER 10

  Sorted

  Uncle Gobb said that he wasn’t going to America.

  ‘I love America,’ he said. ‘I love the way it’s open. It’s open all the time. Everywhere. Everywhere’s open. And everyone. Everyone’s open. And everything’s open.’

  ‘If you like it so much, why don’t you want to come?’ Mum asked Uncle Gobb.

  ‘America and I are not getting on very well at the moment,’ Uncle Gobb said.

  Malcolm could feel the whole plan of leaving Uncle Gobb in America going very badly wrong.

  ‘Mind you,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘I do have some business to sort out in America …’

  Sort it, sort it, Malcolm said to himself over and over again.

  ‘We’d be going to find Malcolm’s dad,’ Mum said.

  Uncle Gobb said, ‘Is that absolutely necessary?’

  ‘I don’t know what’s necessary and not necessary any more,’ Mum said, slowly winding herself up like a cat about to jump at a mouse. ‘All I know is that I look after Malcolm, I look after you. I look after Malcolm because no one else is looking after him. I look after you because you can’t look after yourself. Oh yes, and when I’ve got a moment, I look after myself.’

  Uncle Gobb listened. Then he said, ‘I go round to Mr Iqbal’s and get the baked beans when you ask me to.’

  ‘Yes, you do, you do,’ Mum said. She stopped being a cat getting ready to catch a mouse. ‘But you don’t know how to look after yourself. So if you don’t come, we can’t go. And Malcolm doesn’t get to see his dad.’

  Uncle Gobb thought some more.

  ‘You said the Brenda woman is coming,’ Uncle Gobb said. ‘Does that mean Wenda’s coming too?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Mum.

  ‘That makes more people who don’t know how to answer questions properly,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  This conversation was reminding Malcolm of the Uncle Gobb conversation about the baked beans with him and Crackersnacker.

  Oh no, if Crackersnacker stayed at home, and if Uncle Gobb summoned Doctor Roop the Doop and if Doctor Roop the Doop told Uncle Gobb how him and Crackersnacker have to be broken up … Uncle Gobb would send Doctor Roop the Doop to do something terrible to Crackersnacker … Oh no, he couldn’t leave his best, bestest, bestest ever, most bestest ever everest friend behind. Crackersnacker so totally had to come. Then they could keep an eye on Uncle Gobb in case he tried to break them up … until he swapped Uncle Gobb with Dad.

  ‘Mum, Crackersnacker,’ was all he said.

  ‘Crackersnacker?!’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘That frightful little worm? He’s not worth the paper he’s written on.’

  ‘He’s not written on paper,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Your Crackersnacker is one of the reasons why we’re going downhill,’ Uncle Gobb said.

  Malcolm looked at Mum. Mum looked at Malcolm.

  ‘If we have the air miles, Crackersnacker can come too,’ she said. ‘I am crazy. I am seriously the craziest person in the universe. What am I letting myself in for?’

  Uncle Gobb narrowed his eyes. He did this when he was planning something.

  ‘I warn you now, you two,’ he said. ‘On this trip I’m going to be exceedingly busy with business.’

  ‘Yes, Derek, I’m sure you will,’ Mum said, ‘but in the meantime, why don’t you go and put some underpants in your suitcase? Last time we went away, you forgot to pack any.’

  CHAPTER 11

  Ber-lamm Ber-lamm Ber-lamm

  After school, when Malcolm and Crackersnacker walked in through the door of Malcolm’s place, Mum was waiting for them.

  ‘Crackersnacker can’t come,’ Malcolm blurted, ‘I can see it. I can see it on your face.’

  ‘Wait for it, Malcolm,’ Mum said.

  ‘There’s no point in waiting for it. I can see it. I don’t want you to tell me. I know, I know, I know,’ Malcolm said and put his hands over his ears, shut his eyes and put his head on the table.

  Malcolm’s Mum looked at Crackersnacker and said, ‘Me and you will have a talk then.’

  ‘I’ve been to see your mother,’ Mum said to Crackersnacker, ‘and –’

  ‘DON’T SAY IT!,’ shouted Malcolm with tears in his eyes. ‘I don’t want to hear you say, “Crackersnacker can’t come to America.”’

  ‘I won’t say it,’ Mum said. ‘What I’ll say instead is that he CAN come to America.’

  Malcolm didn’t hear that, because now he was saying, ‘Ber-lamm, ber-lamm, ber-lamm,’ and rubbing his ears very violently.

  Crackersnacker punched the air, slapped his right knee and spun round very quickly.

  Malcolm didn’t see that because he had his eyes shut.

  The dog saw it.

  (What the dog didn’t know was where it was going to go, while everyone was in America. Don’t worry. The dog went next door where it was given loads of ‘TIDDLES’. Tiddles are tasty treats.)

  Malcolm went on thinking that Crackersnacker wasn’t going to America for another two and a half minutes. When he finally got the point that Crackersnacker WAS going, he got cross that he was the last to find out.

  Later, when they were having tea, Uncle Gobb suddenly stood up and said, ‘Tessa, I think the time has come for me to inform the boys why and how it used to be better.’

  ‘What did?’ Malcolm asked him.

  ‘Ice cream,’ said Crackersnacker before Uncle Gobb could answer. ‘I was talking to a man on the bus and he said that they don’t make ice cream the way they used to.’

  ‘I like ice cream,’ Malcolm said, ‘I don’t see how it could be better.’

  ‘Excuse me,’ Uncle Gobb said, beginning to sound irritated, ‘I’m talking about things that are much more important than ice cream. I’m talking about heritage.’

  Because of the way Uncle Gobb spoke, Malcolm thought he said he was talking about ‘Hairy Titch’.

  ‘Who’s Hairy Titch?’ he said.

  ‘It’s “heritage”,’ Uncle Gobb said.

  But Malcolm thought it sounded like ‘Hairy Titch’ again, so he said, ‘I know, yes, that’s what I said.’

  ‘No,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘you said “Hairy Titch”.’

  ‘No,’ said Malcolm, ‘it was you who said, “Hairy Titch”, not me. There’s a little kid in our school we call “Titch” but he isn’t hairy.’

  ‘No,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘he hasn’t got a beard.’

  Uncle Gobb walked over to the door and got ready to leave the room.

  ‘All I’m trying to do here, Tessa, is inch these two idiots forward on the great chessboard of life.’

  Then he left the room.

  I thought Uncle Gobb was going to tell us about Hairy Titch, Malcolm said to himself, but then suddenly he switched over to talking about chess. Anyway, we’re not idiots. Dad wouldn’t call us idiots.

  Later, in the bedroom, with Malcolm in bed and Crackersnacker on the floor, they whispered to each other in the dark about where they could leave Uncle Gobb when they were in America.

  ‘Hollywood.’

  ‘The Simpsons … you know … the place … erm … Springfield.’

  ‘The White House.’

  ‘The museum in Night at the Museum.’

  As you can see, it had turned into saying the first American place each of them could think of, whether the place existed or not.

  ‘The elevator.’

  ‘Elevator?’

  ‘That’s the American word for a lift.’

  ‘I know it is – what elevator?’

  ‘I don’t know what elevator. Any elevator.’

  Malcolm dozed off thinking that the plan wa
s good. There were so many places to leave Uncle Gobb. America is

  CHAPTER 12

  A Very Similar Conversation

  Uncle Gobb was polishing his face and muttering, ‘Italy, Spittaly, Spain was Hungary, Spain ate Turkey dipped in Greece.’

  Over and over again.

  What was going wrong? Why wasn’t his Genie appearing?

  Once more.

  There was a flash, and into Uncle Gobb’s room came Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop.

  ‘What kept you?’ Uncle Gobb asked him crossly.

  ‘I thought that one of the rotor blades on my helicopter was faulty.’

  ‘Was it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You were wrong then. Hah! But you know everything,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘Well, I didn’t know that,’ said Doctor Roop.

  ‘What?’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘Well, if I knew what, I would know. But the whole point is that I don’t know.’

  This wasn’t getting anywhere so Uncle Gobb thought he would get on with what was on his mind.

  ‘We’re going to America,’ he said.

  ‘I know,’ said Doctor Roop.

  ‘I have a plan,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘So do I,’ said Doctor Roop.

  ‘My plan is to get rid of Malcolm and Crackersnacker, put them somewhere out of my sight,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘No,’ said Doctor Roop, ‘too drastic. Either you or I will end up in prison. I’ve got a better plan.’

  But Uncle Gobb wasn’t listening.

  ‘How am I going to rid of them?’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Doctor Roop, ‘but all you need to do is separate them. They get their power when they’re together. We have to break that.’

  Uncle Gobb still wasn’t listening.

  ‘I tried the DREAD SHED, but it didn’t work. And anyway, I can’t take the DREAD SHED to America, can I?’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘No, nay, verily,’ said Doctor Roop talking for a moment in his favourite old-book voice, ‘you can’t. No room on the plane.’

  ‘So let’s do some forward planning here, Doctor Roop,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘let’s think first of WHERE I can get rid of them. What about … er … Hollywood?’

  They took it in turns to think of places.

  ‘The Simpsons … you know … the place … erm … Springfield,’ said Doctor Roop.

  ‘The White House.’

  ‘The museum in Night at the Museum.’

  As you can see, it had turned into saying the first American place each of them could think of, whether the place existed or not.

  ‘The elevator.’

  ‘Elevator?’

  ‘That’s the American word for a lift.’

  ‘I know it is – what elevator?’

  ‘I don’t know what elevator. Any elevator.’

  Uncle Gobb held up his hand.

  ‘Go away and think about it, Doctor. Next time I call for you, make sure you’ve got a plan.’

  ‘I do have a plan,’ said Doctor Roop.

  ‘I don’t want YOUR plan. I want you to work out a plan to make MY plan work,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  And because Genies have to do what their masters tell them, Doctor Roop the Doop couldn’t tell Uncle Gobb his plan to break up Malcolm and Crackersnacker, which would have helped Uncle Gobb get everyone to answer questions properly and think like him.

  NOTE ON CHAPTER TWELVE

  You probably noticed that some of the things that people said in Chapter Twelve were very similar to things that people said in Chapter Eleven. I noticed that too.

  CHAPTER 13

  The Tree Trolley

  At the end of term, Mr Keenly said he hoped that they would all have a great summer. Malcolm noticed that Janet looked at Mr Keenly and said that she was looking forward to having a great summer too. And she did the eyebrow, wiggly finger underlining thing when she said ‘great summer’.

  On the plane to Boston, Uncle Gobb started talking about a tea party. Malcolm was getting dozy but just before he fell asleep, he was pretty sure that he heard Uncle Gobb say that people in Boston pour their tea into the harbour. Could that be true?

  When he woke up, Uncle Gobb was still talking. This time he was saying that no one was allowed to say ‘camper van’.

  ‘Don’t say ‘camper van’,’ he said.

  ‘But we’re hiring a camper van,’ Mum said.

  ‘In America it’s called a Winnebago,’ Uncle Gobb said. ‘A Winnebago. A Winnebago. It’s the wrong word but it’s what they say here.’

  ‘That’s enough now, Derek,’ Mum said. ‘Remember the deep breathing I told you to do when you get excited.’

  A woman called Wilma met them at the airport with the Winnebago.

  Crackersnacker said, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if her name was Winnie, then she could be Winnie Bago?’

  Malcolm and Crackersnacker practised saying, ‘Hi, I’m Winnie Bago and this is your Winnebago.’

  Brenda drove the Winnebago out of Massachusetts into Connecticut.

  Mum, Crackersnacker, Malcolm, Brenda, Wenda and Uncle Gobb were singing:

  ‘Far and few, far and few

  Are the lands where the Jumblies live.

  Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,

  And they went to sea in a sieve.’

  Wenda gave a raisin each to everyone.

  ‘Pumping gas,’ Crackersnacker said.

  He was practising American things to say.

  ‘I hope you’re not,’ Wenda said.

  ‘No, it doesn’t mean what you think it means,’ he said. ‘It means getting petrol out of the petrol pump and putting it in your car.’

  ‘As if!’ Wenda said.

  ‘You do know where we’re going, don’t you, Tessa?’ Uncle Gobb asked.

  ‘It’s a summer camp,’ said Mum. ‘I told you before.’

  Malcolm was feeling a bit fizzy.

  Mum shouted, ‘Look, there’s an ostrich farm.’

  They all looked out the window. They couldn’t see any ostriches. Just a huge sign that said, ‘Lucky Joe’s Ostrich Farm’.

  ‘Not far now,’ Mum said.

  About ten minutes later they arrived at a place that had a sign on it that said:

  ‘THE ’

  They hadn’t finished making the sign.

  ‘This is it,’ Mum said.

  Malcolm’s legs started to feel wobbly.

  This is where I’m going to meet Dad again and everything’s going to work out perfectly, he thought. At last, at last, at last.

  Everyone got out. As Mum had said, it was a camp, with a mix of huts and tents. Children of all ages were wandering about. Most of them had mud painted on their faces. One walked up and said, ‘Hey!’

  Mum said, ‘Excuse me, is Fender here?’

  ‘Sure,’ said the girl and she went on standing there.

  ‘Do you know where he is?’ Mum said.

  ‘Nope,’ said the girl who was now picking some of the mud off her face.

  ‘I’m here!’ a voice called out from a tree.

  There was a loud whoop and suddenly a man wearing nothing but a pair of shorts flew out of the tree, sitting on a trolley fixed to a wire and shot past them.

  ‘It’s fixed, guys!’ he shouted, which caused what looked like hundreds of children (it was 15 actually) to appear out of the huts and tents screaming to get a go on the tree trolley.

  The man got off the trolley and walked towards them. Malcolm was shaking. The man had mud on his face too but Malcolm could see that it was Dad.

  Next thing, he had picked up Malcolm, and was shouting, ‘Wow, you’ve grown some, Malky!’

  Then, turning to the others, he said, ‘And sheesh, it’s Brenda the Mender. Whoa, Sis!’ and he did high fives with Brenda. He put Malcolm down, picked up Wenda and said, imitating an English accent, ‘Is it Wenda the menda?’

  ‘No, I don’t do the mending,’ Wenda said.

  Dad pinched her cheek
, saying ‘That’s from your Uncle Fender’, and then he looked at Crackersnacker.

  ‘And you’re Malky’s buddy?’

  Crackersnacker said, ‘Sure,’ in a nearly-American accent.

  He got a joke punch on the shoulder for that.

  Then Dad looked at Mum and Uncle Gobb. He looked and he looked.

  ‘Tess,’ he said, ‘this is what it’s like.’

  And Uncle Gobb said in a sneery voice, ‘Oh yes, we can all see what it’s like here, Fender.’

  Malcolm heard himself breathing. It was all so sudden. And loud. And big. And full of not knowing what was going to happen next.

  I’m Malky, he thought. That’s who I am here.

  CHAPTER 14

  Ah! Yeah!

  The girl who first met them said that her name was Lizard. Malcolm guessed that was because she said she was doing a project on lizards. She took Malcolm, Crackersnacker, and Wenda to see her lizards. Then she showed them how to do the Lizard Crawl, which meant wriggling face down in the mud.

  Malcolm kept looking round to see where Dad and the others were but they had gone off to a hut to talk.

  He wondered whether anything was being sorted.

  Was Dad going to come back home with him and Mum?

  And how could he and Crackersnacker find somewhere to leave Uncle Gobb?

  And had Uncle Gobb called up Doctor Roop the Doop?