Uncle Gobb And The Green Heads Read online

  ‘Wow,’ said Crackersnacker quietly, ‘wow, wow and wow again.’

  Malcolm could feel his heart thumping away like a heart going very fast. Which it was. It was going to be much easier now to do the Dad/Uncle Gobb swap at the top of the tower.

  Then he and Crackersnacker walked out of the room and on up the stairs, leaving the Genie behind while he checked his cheek muscles in the little hand mirror that he always carried around with him.

  Malcolm and Crackersnacker looked down. There was Uncle Gobb, climbing, stopping, panting, gasping, trying to climb some more, stopping, his chest heaving, his face sweating, hoping that his big moment was coming at the top of the Tower.

  Suddenly, Malcolm thought that Uncle Gobb looked very small. And very weak. Just a little Uncle Gobb. Who wasn’t very good at climbing. A little tiny Uncle Gobb who had no Doctor Roop the Doop to help him. Just a little Uncle Gobb who shouts questions that people didn’t want to answer. A little Uncle Gobb whose name was on all these education things but only because Joe Big stole his name off him.

  Malcolm could feel the big swap moment was just a few moments away. This is the ‘later’ that Dad meant, he thought.

  After much more climbing and singing ‘Far and few …’ Malcolm and Crackersnacker reached the top of Laetitia von Bildungsroman’s Tower.

  Wenda and Lizard and Mum were already there. They all looked out of the windows, over what seemed like the whole of America.

  Far, far below they could see the woods, the lights in the camp and even the tree trolley, but not the lizards, it was too dark. Malcolm felt good. At any moment now, the swap would happen, and Uncle Gobb had no Doctor Roop to stop it happening. Where was Dad?

  What seemed like ages later, Uncle Gobb arrived, gasping and panting. And panting and gasping.

  ‘Now – (gasp) – now – (pant) – I’m – (gasp gasp) – going to get – you two – (pant pant) – OUT OF MY LIFE!’

  ‘No you’re not, Uncle Gobb,’ said Malcolm. ‘You’re out of breath.’

  ‘Sit down and get your breath back, Derek,’ Mum said, ‘before you do any more talking.’

  ‘Have a raisin,’ said Wenda.

  ‘Look at my lizard,’ said Lizard, taking a lizard out of her pocket.

  Uncle Gobb was too much out of breath even to eat a raisin, or look at a lizard. All he could do was sit down and puff.

  Malcolm knew at that moment, even though Dad wasn’t there, they had won this part of his struggle. He and Crackersnacker gave each other high fives. And high tens for luck.

  And, wahay! Malcolm knew that it was only because Mr Keenly had told them about the Jumblies and that him and Crackersnacker had liked the Jumblies so much that they had been able to solve the Jumblies puzzle. And they knew that it was because they had solved the puzzle that Malcolm’s Genie could come back. And it was because he could come back, they heard that Doctor Roop the Doop had left Uncle Gobb. And they knew that without Doctor Roop the Doop, Uncle Gobb never got to hear that the one thing he needed to do was come up with a way to split up Malcolm and Crackersnacker. And now, because he didn’t do that, he was nothing more than … than … a little Gobb.

  A little Gobb.

  Hah! That’s a win, Malcolm thought. A victory, for us.

  Then Malcolm looked round. He thought, now, surely this is the moment when Dad does something that means that Uncle Gobb will stay here and not come back with us??? The swap …???

  Where is Dad? Malcolm thought.

  Where is Fender? Uncle Gobb thought.

  CHAPTER 21

  A Sad Chapter That Is Very Short In Order To Make Sure The Sad Stuff Doesn’t Last Too Long

  Dad wasn’t there.

  CHAPTER 22

  Where Things Seem To Be Not Quite So Sad

  Malcolm thought some more: OK, then Dad will be at the bottom. Things are still going to work out because Uncle Gobb hasn’t got Doctor Roop the Doop to help him.

  Uncle Gobb thought some more: Fender will be at the bottom. Things are still going to work out.

  So, along with the others, Malcolm and Uncle Gobb headed down the stairs.

  CHAPTER 23

  Can Two People Be An Octopus?

  Can An Octopus Be Two People?

  When they all got to the bottom, Malcolm looked for Dad.

  But there was only Ocean.

  No matter, he’ll turn up in a moment, Malcolm thought.

  Ocean was very excited about the way Malcolm and Crackersnacker had done the puzzle.

  ‘We heard you on the sound system back at base,’ she said. ‘You two are the Camp Octopus.’

  ‘How can two people be an octopus?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Two arms each, two legs each … makes eight,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘Like an octopus.’

  But where was Dad?

  Malcolm asked Mum and Mum asked Ocean.

  ‘Oh, right, yeah,’ said Ocean. ‘Fender left a message. I’ll read it: Big news. A place has come up in some woods in Maryland. Some kind of forest ranger’s hut. I’ve got to go there right now, or we might lose it. It looks like we can make another one of these camps there.’

  Malcolm looked at the ground.

  ‘We’re growing!’ Ocean said excitedly. ‘Oh yeah, and Fender says here, I’m looking forward to seeing you, Malcolm, very soon. As soon as possible.’

  Crackersnacker put his arm round Malcolm.

  He needed that.

  Crackersnacker looked at his great friend Malcolm. He could see from his face that he was sad. It had gone wrong.

  ‘The thing is, Malky,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘I think the way it is … is … in the middle of good things, there are sometimes … erm … things that are not so good.’

  They thought about that.

  ‘I know what it is!’ Malcolm said. ‘It’s like we said in our Edward Lear information thing: everything gets holes in eventually.’

  They smiled.

  ‘Hey,’ said Crackersnacker in his American voice, ‘and don’t forget: the Jumblies got there, AND got back, even though the sieve had holes in.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Malcolm trying to feel hopeful. ‘And we can come back here, can’t we, Mum?’

  There was a groaning sound.

  It came from Uncle Gobb. Nothing had worked out well for him. No Fender, no Genie, no swap. And no one to answer questions correctly.

  Mum waited for Uncle Gobb to stop groaning and then she answered Malcolm’s question: ‘Yes, we can, Malcolm.’

  That was good, Malcolm thought. And meanwhile, there’s Mum, there’s me and there’s Uncle Gobb, but there’s one BIG difference. Uncle Gobb has lost his Genie. Doctor Roop the Doop has left him. Uncle Gobb won’t dare to be anywhere near so bossy from now on.

  Weasels: From now on? Hang on, does that mean that there’s going to be another book about Malcolm, Crackersnacker and Uncle Gobb?

  Weasel: I don’t know. I’m just a weasel.

  Weasels: And Brenda and Fender?

  Weasel: I don’t know. I’m just a weasel.

  Weasels: And Wenda and Lizard?

  Weasel: I don’t know. I’m just a weasel.

  Do YOU know?

  A TEST

  INSTRUCTIONS

  You have 45 seconds to complete this test. When you see a question, read it and then write your answer in the space provided, provided there is a space provided. Do not eat this test.

  You should work through the test until you are asked to stop. When you are asked to stop, stop. This means that you should stop writing. It doesn’t mean that you should stop breathing. Don’t stop breathing. And don’t stop blinking. Blinking is useful. Actually, breathing is useful too.

  If you finish before the end, go back and check your work. When we say ‘go back’ that doesn’t mean ‘go back towards the back of the room’.

  You’ve taken up at least 20 seconds reading this, so now you have less than 45 seconds to answer the questions in this booklet.

  Ha!

  QUESTIONS

/>   1.What is the answer?

  2.Is the sun?

  3.Underline the verb in the sentence: ‘The verb scored a great goal.’

  4.There were two boys: Pete and Re-peat. Pete left the room. Who was left?

  5.There were two boys: Pete and Re-peat. Pete left the room. Who was left?

  6.There were two boys: Pete and ... OK, we’ll stop doing this now.

  7.What does ‘the’ mean?

  8.Where do the knives and forks go on a times table?

  9.What is the next question?

  10.Is this

  a) the next question,

  b) this question or

  c) the last question?

  11.A train left the station at 10.00 a.m. It travelled for one hour and arrived at the next station at 9.00 a.m. How fast was it going?

  12.Underline the right answer.

  13.Put this in the correct order: sky, bus pass, melon, toenail.

  14.Billy is wearing a blue hat.

  a) What colour is the hat?

  b) It is raining. Why is Billy wearing the hat? If you write ‘Because he supports Chelsea’ (or any other football team that wears blue), you are wrong.

  15.Write the next number in this sequence: 451, 9, 9, 9, a number, another number, 23

  16.Have you finished this test?

  17.Match the following by drawing lines between a word in the left hand column with something else. The national anthem 16 carrots Goldilocks An eyebrow Plastic sausages

  18.Hello?

  19.Everything is a solid, a liquid or a gas. What is the opposite of a solid? Only one answer is correct. Er ... actually, that may not be true. Answer the question anyway.

  20.Where’s Wally?

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  We would like to thank the weasels for making such an enormous effort to come along and appear in this book. Most weasels aren’t anywhere near as kind or as hard-working as the weasels in this book. We would also like to thank the relatives of Laetitia von Bildungsroman for allowing us to use her tower. No character in Uncle Gobb and the Green Heads was hurt in the making of the book. All animals appearing in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to real animals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. If anyone else would like to be thanked, please write to The Thanking Office. Thanks.

  PROFILES

  Michael Rosen

  Michael was born and brought up in a flat but this didn’t make him flat. He is not flat. He now lives in a house that isn’t a flat, and the house isn’t flat either. In fact, so far nothing in this profile of Michael Rosen is flat. Now here comes a flat bit. When Michael sings, he often sings flat. That means singing a tiny bit too low. Like when you want to go for a walk under the sofa but it’s too low. Michael has never walked under a sofa.

  Neal Layton

  Neal started drawing, painting and writing a long time ago. Not as long ago as the Romans. Or the Saxons. Or the Normans. The Romans, Saxons and Normans wore helmets. Neal does not wear a helmet, not even when he’s drawing, painting and writing. You could say that Neal is an artist. You could also say that because he draws he’s a drawer. The trouble with saying that, though, is that you might think he’s someone who lives in a chest of drawers. Neal does have a chest but that doesn’t mean that he’s a chest of drawers.

  America A film about a place called America

  Genie A magic helper that sounds like the girl’s name ‘Jeanie’

  Green Room A room that is not green

  Jeanie A girl’s name that sounds like ‘Genie’

  Leaning Objective What you hope to get out of leaning on someone

  Learning Objective What happens if you object to doing any learning

  Lizard A four-legged animal called a lizard

  Mud Wet earth that has become muddy

  Muddle When someone falls in mud

  End of Definitions The part of the Definitions where it ends

  Beans, Baked See pages 1, 4, 6, 141–142, 194, 199

  Index On this page

  Jamaica Not in this book. You must have been thinking of another book. Perhaps it was one about Jamaica

  Mr Keenly’s holiday photos Also not in this book, but they would be really interesting, wouldn’t they?

  Reasons There are reasons on nearly every page … Or did I mean ‘raisins’? Ah yes, I meant ‘raisins’. There aren’t as many raisins as there are reasons but there are too many of them to list them here

  Squirrels Weasel: I think you mean ‘weasels’.

  No, I meant squirrels.

  Weasel: Are there any squirrels in this book? No.

  The Stone Age The Stone Age can’t be in this book because it was the Stone Age and this isn’t the Stone Age, it’s some other kind of Age. Maybe it’s the Cauliflower Age. In fact, the Stone Age was such a long time ago, they didn’t even have paper. This book is made of paper, so that’s another reason why the Stone Age isn’t in the book. In the Stone Age they sooooo didn’t have paper, they only had stones. Their clothes were really uncomfortable because they were made of stones too

  Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Oxford, New York, New Delhi and Sydney

  First published in Great Britain in February 2017 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc 50 Bedford Square, London WC1B 3DP

  www.bloomsbury.com

  This electronic edition published in 2017 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

  BLOOMSBURY is a registered trademark of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

  Text copyright © Michael Rosen 2017

  Illustrations copyright © Neal Layton 2017

  The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted

  All rights reserved

  You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN: 978-1-4088-5135-7 (PB)

  ISBN: 978-1-4088-5134-0 (eBook)

  To find out more about our authors and their books please visit www.bloomsbury.com where you will find extracts, author interviews and details of forthcoming events, and to be the first to hear about latest releases and special offers, sign up for our newsletters.